How far to go before it snaps?
I had two main episodes in my life, one in my early twenties and one in my early thirties when I felt so low and in distress and taking my life felt like the advantageous option.
Now in my early fifties, I thought I was out of that cycle however I am fighting this feeling again. The hardest thing for me right now is to share a house with a father that has become a total stranger while my mother is kept prisoner of a nursing home, and who, because of her dumbness has also become a kind of stranger in my life. I physically feel my heart broken into small pieces inside my chest.
I bury my pain in constant work online. Building my School of Happiness to empower the new generations is what keeps me alive at the moment. I see it as my mission and reason de vivre. However I am starting to feel the imbalance. The constant giving, doing what I can to move forward the paperwork for my family situation, cleaning the house for my father, putting all these hours in my project, giving healing online…
It feels like a lot of giving and a lot of working for others, which is great and I am here to serve. I am sure I decided to incarnate for this. However when the cord is pulled too hard, it can snap.
It feels I am at that point, that it is about to break. The first thing that is destroying me right now is staying here with my dad. It depresses me enormously. In fact it reminds me of how I felt when I was here as a teenager and could not wait to leave the house. It took me a while, once I was away to come out of all the negativity of my childhood home. Now I feel that I am back in the same or worse ambiance and I can’t anymore… I am counting the days until the agency I contacted send someone to take care of the house. There are still some paperwork that need to be done and my hope is that all be done with by next month. It is a daily torture for me to stay with my father.
After a month of not being able to see my mother, we finally got the green light to resume our 30 minutes visit per week. We will once again be behind a table, with our mask and under the surveillance of a nurse. I do not call this a proper visit and this is not an incentive enough for me to stay. I have a more private connection with mum on the phone or the rare 30 minutes video calls that we get through the nursing home here and there. So I beat myself up about this too, telling myself that I am a bad daughter if I leave now. Especially I would not want to go back to Canada without saying goodbye to my mother.
My family is disintegrating and if it wasn’t for my sister, I could say that I have no family left this year as it is exactly how it feels. I had hoped for a while that my father and I would finally get on better, that my mother would recover and yet none of this is happening.
Next to that, feeling trapped here, the fear of not being able to go back to Canada because of mandatory vaccine, not knowing where I will live next, not knowing how long I can hold on financially, and being worried about the future on this world in general, feels like a bit too much pressure…So yes, it has started to cross my mind again…leaving this world, going back home, to the spirit world and finally being relieved of this nightmare... And yet I know I won’t try it this time.
No matter how hard it is, I have to hold on. It is a long and dark tunnel and the hardest is not knowing how much longer the walk in the tunnel is going to last, but I am still hanging on to a tiny thread of hope.
What makes me sad is the feeling that I am putting my life on hold at the moment. It feels that I am putting so much effort towards the outside, that I am depleting myself and it even feels like my physical body is becoming dry and rigid and even looks older, that’s how deep it goes.
Then, I have to make a conscious effort to remember who I am. I am NOT Chantal. Chantal IS an avatar, she is a creation of my Higher Self. This is all an illusion no matter how real it looks and feels. I have been through way worse experiences in other lifetimes. This is NOTHING compared to what other people might be going through. I AM alive, I am healthy, I have a roof over my head and so far I am managing to survive financially so I just have to suck it up and carry on, feel the pain and still keep smiling and moving on…It is not the first time I have to walk through a nightmare, but I sure hope it is the last…
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