It was short but gave me a breather.
I am submerged with so many disempowering feelings right now. I beat myself up because I think I should be a better daughter. I am a loving and affectionate person and yet it had become impossible for me to show any affection towards a wall…My father and I don’t speak anymore. I have stopped the French habit of kisses on the cheeks mornings and evenings as they felt more like a slap in the face and the feeling wasn’t there.
My father seems angry at me. What does he expect? That I should waste my time to be seating next to him in front of his sacred TV day in and day out? I am sorry but I do not see how that is going to improve our relationship. My father is simply not interested in what is going on in my life.
One part of me could give him the excuse that he is still under shock of not having mum around and that it is for that reason that he is like that. The awful truth though is that this is not new. He has never shown interest in my life from the time I was a child. He did not participate in games or outings or conversations with me, or my sister for that matter. Even, one day a few years ago, when I was visiting and sharing with him about what I was involved in, in Vancouver, he turned to me and to my face said “ I am not interested” and went back to watching his stupid TV. What a bully!
I am the one who organised for our family to be together for Christmas. Even though it was hard for us to celebrate without mum, we still made a slight effort to find some gifts for each other, except dad. His birthday came along in January and once again my sister and I made an effort to do something for him.
A week later my sister’s birthday came along and my father simply said: I did not do anything. Of course, why would he? My father has always led the family life according to his rules and desires.
It was my birthday a few days ago and I preferred to be away than having to hear from him: "I didn’t do anything for you." I had registered for a four days online meditation retreat anyways so I wanted to spend that time alone. I am not exactly in the financial position to afford fancy accommodation, yet that is what I did. I found myself a small place for rent about 5 kilometres away from home.
I left on Friday afternoon by foot with my bag-pack and provisions for the 3 nights and 4 days there. The way there was mostly along a busy road and it was a little scary with the fast cars passing by and no space for pedestrians. I walked past the properties of the local farmers who nearly all had dogs behind fences, or so you would think…I heard them bark and didn’t worry until one of them managed to escape from under the fence and ran towards me...
My heart rate accelerated. He was large and barking away nastily. I walked faster. He was now right behind me barking aggressively. I tried to remain calm when he caught my left ankle. I thought, this is it, next he’s going to bite my legs and I don’t know how that will end. The cars were driving fast on the road and that crazy dog was in the middle. People were shouting at him…and me “keep your dog to the side!” not knowing that of course it was definitely not my dog. I have never had issues with dogs before. All I could do was shout at the top of my lungs without looking at him” Ok I am going, leave me alone!”. I don’t know if there was so much power of intention and anger in the mix of my voice. Either way the barking diminished, and I did not feel anymore grabbing. I also didn’t dare to look behind me for a while, somehow thinking he might still be following me.
Eventually I was quite far past his house and I looked back…No trace of him nor of a dead dog on the road, phew! That was scary… Although to be honest a part of me felt invigorated. I know it sounds strange but my life has always been filled with adventures and somehow there is a part of me that misses stimulation and feels bored and tired with this chapter of my life at the moment.
I enjoyed being alone for a few days, well nearly alone as I was battling flies daily in that little house where I was staying, probably a place that had not been used for a while. I went out a bit in the nearby forest, and I couldn’t help working online for the School that I am building. Thus I spent my fifties birthday alone, quite a far cry from my forties where I had a blast and even celebrated all year round.
I had left a note on the kitchen table before leaving home “ I am not well, I going on a mini retreat, coming back on Monday”…
When Monday came I left the cute cottage I had spent a few quiet days in, and started walking home. The dog of the owner followed me and I kept trying to send her back home. I eventually gave up, called the owner to warn her that her dog was on the road with me. She eventually returned, and I had a wonderful walk back, under the sun and via a different route alongside beautiful vineyards and other fields – definitely the road I should have taken the first time!
My father didn’t ask a thing. And it went back to our two words a day of hello in the morning and good night in the evening. So sad…
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