I burst out of the house as fast as I could.
It was January the1st of 2021. Somehow the fact that it was the first day of a new chapter psychologically did something to me.
I went downstairs. My father said Happy New Year more automatically then anything. He was following the protocol. On January 1st that is what you say to people. Words have energy and I did not feel much enthusiasm nor sincerity in his words. I did not say Happy New Year back, instead what came out was “Good luck”. I wasn’t just wishing this for him but also for myself and all of us in my family. That was the only exchange we had all day.
I was sitting at my desk in the afternoon, busy sending New Year wishes to as many people as I could. I did not write many cards this year. Some for my neighbours as I saw it as a duty to inform them that my mother was not returning home and one for my student in Canada because she sent me one and I was returning the favour. I did not have much enthusiasm otherwise.
I wish there was a way people could simply receive my love clearly. They are, in a way. When I think of them, and send them all my love, those are not just words I add at the end of an email to follow protocol, these are genuine loving energies bursting out of my chest and being directed to them, for real. Even though it is invisible to the eyes, it is happening energetically. I actually have some friends who are sensitive and receptive to it and write and say that they feel it.
Thus I wish when times of celebration like this happen, we could all just sit there and send each other love without having to sweat writing, posting and all that stress…
My email provider was playing tricks on me and I spent a long time trying to find a solution without finding any. I got really annoyed. I look out my window, and it hit me…What am I doing here? If I was back home in Canada, I would have taken my car already and driven to a beautiful place in the mountains, the forest and a lake. I would be saying hello to Mother Earth, the trees, all nature around me, I would be exercising, and filling my lungs with oxygen and prana…
All the pieces of the puzzle assembled thermselves right here and then. All the weekends my family stayed home because all my dad wanted to do was watch TV. He never let my car to my mum who was perfectly able to drive. A lot of the time my mum, my sister and I would go out on foot around the same old path along the nearby canal. That’s about it. Anger started coming up, as I remember that and…
How dare my father said I did not like Provence and that is why I left home, when in fact he never showed me his dear beloved Provence. If he liked it so much, then he had a strange way to appreciate it and to share it with others!
I remember all the time wasted being programmed by stupid films and shows on TV instead of going out walking in nature as a family. I remember why mum wanted to escape to the canal every day as she had enough of the loud TV all the time. While all these memories were coming up to the surface, the last pieces of puzzle came into place: No wonder my mum exploded, in that prison of a home where she was in charge of everything, and yet next to that, didn’t hope for much adventure from my dad sitting on his couch most of the day. And now I put the two and two together and realise that I am in the same trap as mum. I am also stuck inside now. We are not going anywhere.
It was dark and rainy out there but I couldn’t hold it anymore, I felt like a lion in a cage. I burst out of the house as fast as I could.Walking very fast first to let the steam out, I slowly began to feel appeased by the trees around me. This has nothing to do with the beautiful old forest I was used to in Canada, but I was with Gaia. I was among friends, back to nature, back to the Source. This has always been my refuge.
I think I understand now why I was forced to be back home. When I left many years ago, it felt like unfinished business. It was more like an escape and a relief. I was craving freedom and adventure. Now, living at home with the very person that triggered my departure makes me realise that I should not regret my decision back then. I was not meant to stay in that frame of living. My father and I are different. Although deep inside my dad would also have been adventurous, social and fun…that part of him has been buried inside for too long and now he has become isolated by his own decision, angry at the world and a sad man that has not looked for any involvement in his community.
I worry about him. He is going to end up alone and depressed… My sister and I will talk with him next week when she comes home to see mum for our 30 minutes allotted time with her. It is time we spoke about paperwork for mum, clarify things for the future in case he also should end up in a dire situation, and speak about options for him to get a life…
For many years, nearly every time we decided to play a game together or go for a walk together, and we asked him to join, his answer was no. Over the years, it has become a reflex. Whatever the reason why he has felt abandoned or rejected in his childhood, he never left that pattern and we, as much as he, suffered from that.Now that I see all the pieces of the puzzle together, I want to scream and escape again…I won’t be running away like the first time though. This time I want to make sure mum and dad are ok, even if not happy. It feels that at some point there won’t be much more I can do.
I am determined not to sacrifice my destiny and the rest of my life looking after them. That sounds selfish and awful. I know some families live as a community, even in the same house where all the generations are gathered. That is indeed beautiful and something that would be lovely to experience. It is not our situation here though. My mother cannot come back home because she needs too much care that we cannot provide. My father doesn’t want to participate in anything including conversation. He has not changed in that way. I have stopped starting conversations with him as it is not enjoyable at all. He either snaps or leaves the room…
I am so done with this now. It is getting harder and harder to stay here and I am not sure how long I can hold on…
I am here to close the circle of my life in Provence. It was a short time of my life here– only my childhood- but it has also been the most formative time of my life and so much pain and growth has come out of it. Am I supposed to stay and end my life here because my story started here and now the situation with my parents brought me back here? I don’t think so.
People will think what they want; they will judge all they want; at this point in time, I do not intend to stay here for long. Let’s see how the next few months unfold and prove me right or wrong…
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