It is 4 AM. I feel my body filled with anger.
Was it a bad dream? No. There are only two reasons that would lead me to feeling that way. One would be that I am capturing and transmuting emotions for the Human Collective. The other would be that it is in my own mind. I am guessing it was a bit of both as I am not the only human being right now, going through their head, taking stock of this year, and worrying about the new year ahead.
My mind woke me up with a myriad of thoughts of injustice for the situation my mum is in. The fact that she is now in isolation and the fact that we will now be back to our short 30 minutes visit a week with her. What angers me the most is that we are leaving my mum in the hands of strangers. She doesn’t have many ways to express or defend herself. In England, I worked in a nursing home for a while at the weekend. I know how these places work and the thought of mum being handled like an object, rolled in her chair from her bedroom to the living room day in and day out with only this path: a 30 meters road from the bedroom to the living space over and over again makes me feel so sad and depressed.
I already told my sister that if I ever end up like this, I would not wish to carry on living, as to me, this is not living. This is being a vegetable and I have other aspirations than being a vegetable. Of course we cannot ask my mother how she feels about all this. She still cannot express what she wants and we still don’t know if she will one day.
At some level, she has chosen that life path. As we are receiving these powerful energies from the cosmos, that are forcing us to open our heart more, maybe that is the way she has chosen to work on herself – in the peace and quiet of her mind, away from her husband, not bothered by him every day.We are all going through this, one way or another, all feeling these deep emotions from the past that have been suppressed, buried and that are now coming up to the surface to be processed. Maybe mum has chosen this place to process her emotions and complete the lessons of her life. I also believe that we are all not just completing lessons from this lifetime but also from previous lifetimes and from our ancestors. Transmuting all this requires courage, being present and attentive, so, in a way, mum has found the perfect conditions to do that.
Back home, I am doing my best to allow my own emotions to be, so they can be transmuted, and this brings me relief. I have certainly allowed myself to feel everything since living back at my childhood home. I have cried, shouted, trembled, stayed inert, hit the wall, and move through these deep emotions through my breath, my body, my guts and sweat. Letting it come out and express.
I am still in the process of learning how to master my emotions, making space and allowing these old demons to show themselves and express what they have to say. So far, I find it easier to have compassion and care for myself when feeling sad. I find anger a little more challenging. I still let it express physically as if I needed to free that anger from its cellular prison, giving it back to the Universe as my gift of experiences for the evolution of the human consciousness.
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