We can never not influence each other. Ever…
It is only now, looking back, that I can look at the past with the eyes of an eagle, flying above the entire scene, the entire movie that we have played out so far, my father, my mother and myself.
This is something I have to learn once again in each incarnation, starting from scratch , leaving the knowledge and wisdom that my soul has accumulated throughout the many, many lifetimes in various forms. Here I go again as a baby, born in a family with people who are far from strangers. People who are like me, old souls and with whom I have played many other roles with. My father in this life has once or many times played the role of my son, my partner, my mother and other people. We have all played various roles for each other’s growth, for learning and for the evolution of human consciousness.
Like actors we come in and out of this play called life on Earth - this passage on this beautiful planet who generously offers us a stage for our plays, generation after generation.
I am grateful in this life for my little sister and my childhood friend who represented the only people when I was growing up that I could relate to. Although I am a very sociable person naturally, I am also very sensitive and a little “different” and mostly I did not feel understood and appreciated for who I was.
My hardest relationship and my biggest teacher in this first part of my life was my father. I could not wait until I was old enough to leave the house. And once I was out of the house, I wanted to go far and I left for another country. This unfortunately set me up for a pattern of fleeing whenever I was not happy. I had suffered the lack of freedom of self-expression during the time I was at my parents’ house. Now I was not going to let anyone steal that from me.
That’s how I handled the first part of my life...
I wasn’t happy with the way a relationship was going? I left. I wasn’t happy with a job? I quit. I wasn’t happy with a place? I moved. I don’t know many people who can claim to have moved as many times as I have and in so many different countries.
Looking back I also witness the power of my will and of my subconscious mind to make things manifest in my life. Even when I thought I wanted the relationship, the job or the place, if it wasn’t right path for me, at a higher level, the Universe – via my unacknowledged hidden desire- was rearranging the scene for me to be dumped by the boyfriend, fired by my boss or evicted from my place. One way or another, I was guiding myself towards another destination…
I was happy to leave my parents’ house and to live more in my own terms…and yet here I am back to that very same home, that very same relationship - my father’s destiny and mine intertwined again, as if it was waiting for completion. I am sitting on the same bed, in the same bedroom where I spent many evenings crying and wishing for a better life somewhere else.
I left this house but I did not leave my wounds behind. They followed me everywhere I went, they coloured my relationships with men, they slowed me down, and weighed on me no matter how far I went away from my childhood home.
Now I have returned and I am sitting on the same bed in the same bedroom but things have changed. The child returns home but the child has had their share of hardships, enough to have grown stronger and wiser. Now my father doesn’t have the same power over me. It seems I somehow needed to come back to square one, to my family, to my country of birth to settle unfinished business, to make peace before I would be able to fly away again.
My destiny was shaped in part by my father and no matter how hard our relationship has been, I am grateful, as if it wasn’t for the way he treated me, I would not be right now fighting for children and their right to more freedom of expression, their right to be honoured, valued, respected and appreciated simply for who they are.When my mother made the decision to marry my father and follow him down south, away from her beloved Alps, she also started entangling her destiny with that of my father. As they say when you marry, it is for better and for worse…One always hopes for the best. After a few years though, the true personality of each partner resurfaces and clashes of dreams and desires start creeping up…to the point when my mother one day was crying and telling me she wanted a divorce. Whether I was mature enough or not to understand the situation between her and my father at the time, I was sensitive to how she was feeling. Her hurting was affecting me too and I was hurting too. Her destiny staying with my father was sealing my fate with him too. I encouraged her to go ahead. She never went that far and kept on swallowing her pain and disappointment inside, burying layers and layers of her pain and disappointment over the years, until the fateful day of September 7 this year when she collapsed…
Fateful day for her and thus for me, since that event changed the direction of my life. Not that I did not have the choice. I could have chosen to go back to Canada and leave this story behind, except in my heart I felt I had to be with mum. Her destiny shaped and affected by her choice to stay with my father, mine affected by my upbringing with him, and now my destiny intertwined with my mum’s…
We are one. No matter how far we run, no matter how hard we try to forget, to ignore the other, be it our father, our mother, our partner, the beggar in the street, the child dying of hunger, the oppressed, the sick and the dying in our society, and around us in the world, we are affected. There is no mistake there, whether you are directly affected or at another degree.
At the end of the day, we are all related, all connected, all one, only playing separate roles but still interweaving our paths and endlessly creating the immense canvas of human experience, as we all learn from each other and grow together, walking in unison, the beautiful and the ugly, the good and the bad, all walking on the path of ascension and human consciousness evolution.
When we leave this incarnation, we can bow down, thank this life for the opportunity to play our role, a unique role that no-one else could have played for us and on-one else will ever be able to play again.
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