When deeper truths come out and hurt…
I can’t help but draw some parallels between the movie “Sleeping with the enemy” and what I am experiencing at home with my father. Maybe he is not rearranging food cans in the cupboards to make sure they are exactly aligned and presented all in the same way, but we are not far from that.
Intuitively I have always felt that my father was obsessed with timing, order and routine out of fear of change and to reassure himself. When my mum used to complain about his annoying small habits, I would remind her of why he was acting that way.
We are at the end of 2020. The cosmic energies are pressing us like lemons to extract all the bad juice, all our fears, past baggage and let go of anything old and negative in order to embrace a new reality.
A new world is about to emerge and some of us are holding on for dear life because we cannot imagine anything else in front of us…
We sometimes called my dad “ the work inspector”, always hovering above us, giving his opinion on what we were doing or had done, instead of doing it himself. It is so easy to criticise and judge others…My favourite composer of all times is a French composer called Jean-Jacques Goldman. I love his music, his lyrics and his genius. He had a way of seeing humans and society as a whole that resonated with me. One of his creation is called “Things” where he talks about how we can become the prisoner of our material world to the point that we become its slave and it takes over human life and relationships…
When I find my dad doing the exact same thing at the exact same time every day, and catch him spend what seems like an eternity to pick up one tiny crumb on the kitchen counter and go all the way to the bin to throw that ridiculously tiny crumb away, I remind myself to breathe deeply…
This has to be the hardest test of all for me. One, dealing with the uncertain situation of my mum and two, dealing with the person that has been the most challenging in my life and that I ran away from. The same man I am having no choice but to share the same living space with.
One on hand, I naturally feel love and joy inside me. I keep my energy high with my meditations and my interactions with friends and colleagues online. On the other hand, it seems that no matter how much effort I put into talking, trying to lighten up the atmosphere and be kind to my father, it drops down like a failed soufflé.
What I hate the most is how cowardly he behaves and how quick he is to express his hate and anger and whatever else he would like to throw at me but never does it in my face- oh no, he waits until there is a witness and that is when the truths come out.
The TV is included as a third party. The other day, one singer came on. Her name is Chantal too. You should have heard him have a go at “Chantal”. Whether it was my imagination or not, it doesn’t matter, when he was lashing at “Chantal”, it felt to me that he was gathering all the hatred he has for me to throw at that poor singer. Either way, it hurt.
His brother’s visit the other day was another opportunity to crash me indirectly. One way, which is not new, was to interrupt all my sentences and speak over me. Another way, was to tell his brother about something he doesn’t like that involves me …
No wonder I feel betrayed. Whatever is going on, it’s not going well. Here he is with his own movie in his head about me, and here I am with my own movie about him in my head. Those are not happy movies. They are filled with all kinds of negative feelings. Resentment, conflict, sadness, betrayal, guilt, rage…Films that you would like to just be able to throw away in a bin and never see or hear about ever again. Instead we are playing them inside our head and sometimes playing them out in real life.
Of course at a deeper level, I know all this is for learning, all this is for growing and all this is part of what needs to come out and be cleared energetically. Still, I am trapped in this human form and as a human being I have feelings and it is taking a lot out of me to remain positive and happy in these circumstances...
Commenti