I don't remember ever feeling that way at night...
I have been online for many hours since our return from the rehab center. I feel a force stronger than myself has me glued to my chair, under a spell or something. I feel paralysed. It feels that if I move, if I go to the bathroom, if I brush my teeth, if I get ready for bed, if I get to sleep, then I won't be able to hold on to her...Then the next day will be there and the next and then there is a risk that she might never come back... not just come back physically in her home but worse...My mum might never come back to being herself anymore.
I can't shake the feeling. I am also witnessing how my father aged years in a matter of a few weeks, and I am also being affected in that way. Mind over matter, how we feel shows up on the surface...Our body is indeed a representation of what we are thinking, feeling and experiencing in our inner world. The worries and anxiety are inexorably showing up on my father and I. We have both also lost quite a bit of weight and I sometimes forget to eat...
Now it seems I want to forget to sleep. I just don't want time to move on because it means I might lose my mum, and I might lose my father. One of those blues nights when it all feels dark and hopeless...No matter how much life coaching training I have done, how much knowledge I have about managing my own energy, taking care of myself, healing the trapped emotions...at the end of the day sometimes one just has to go through things, cross the tunnel, feel the darkness, drag their feet and experience the down pull, the heaviness of a situation, before it can be digested, assimilated and transmuted and one can reach the light with more peace and acceptance of whatever the outcome of all this will be...
Whether I want it or not, the clock is still going to turn, the minutes on my computer are going to pass, and although I want to hold on to the day of today because I am too fearful of what tomorrow will bring, life will go on, leaving some behind, pushing others forward like it has done since the beginning of times....
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