Who is behind each of my thoughts? My selfish Ego mind or my wiser Higher Self?
I feel bad…
Having moved back into my family home with my father I made some decisions.
First I was not going to replace my mother and become my father’s servant. That maybe worked on my mother even though I know she would have liked a break from always cooking every day. That is definitely not working for me.
My parents come from the baby boom generation after the Second World War. It was still tradition back then for women to deal with the house business while men were going to work.
For as far back as I can remember, my mother was always busy, mainly in the kitchen. In fact, I don’t know how many hours it represented exactly but if we were looking for my mother, the first place we would look was the kitchen and we usually were lucky to find her there.
breadwinnerWhen my parents got married and settled together they both worked and they both participated in the chores of the house including cooking. Those were the “good” times. Then shortly after I was born, a decision was made that my mother would stay home and look after me and, my father would become the only bread winner of the household. And so it started…
Fast forward about 30 years, as my father was getting close to retirement, some promises were made…My dad told us that he could not wait to be retired. When he was retired, he would start cooking on alternate days, he would start playing music again, he would go fishing and he and my mum would go hiking and visiting the beautiful area they live in, Provence.
Fast forward to a few years after retirement. My father watches TV, goes to the bar, comes back home a little tipsy or more sometimes, puts his feet under the table and waits to be served… Not quite the match to his promises.
I wrote a letter to my dad. I could have said the words out loud but my father has a tendency to forget what we tell him. In the letter, I made it clear that I was under stress and that I did not want to add more stress by being forced to enter a lifestyle that was not mine. My father watches TV a lot, especially during meal times. He has hearing trouble and thus puts the volume pretty loud. It is not my wish to eat that way. He also has strict habits of eating at a specific time and also eats things I do not enjoy or wish to eat such as meat, bread and cheese.
In my letter, I said that it would be easier if we each cooked for ourselves and ate when we wanted and where we wanted.
The first day that we were alone, my father had set the table for both of us in front of the TV. That made me feel bad because he was still into his old habits and he was not taking into account what I had asked.
We had an argument and I ended up eating outside in the garden, half eating half crying.Tonight as I reflect on this I feel torn apart. There is a tug of war inside.
On one hand, I feel like a spoiled child who had a tantrum and wants her wishes done and her way followed. Thus I feel that family and friends are going to judge me for not cooking for my father, for not cleaning after him. Am I a bad daughter? A part in me feels guilty.
On the other hand, I feel that I should not be punished, to be forced to watch a TV I do not agree with, and eat at times and eat things that I do not agree with either. I feel that I should be allowed to express how I feel, to not be pressured to act a certain way just to please my father or other people.
My decision has other important reasons. I did not want to cook for my father each day because first of all, it takes a lot of time and mostly because I would like him to learn to take care of himself so that when mum comes home, depending on how valid she will be, he will have to cook for her and the roles will be exchanged for a while or forever.
So far my father is not making much effort in cooking and I fear that he will remain lazy…
This is how I am going to bed tonight, feeling pulled apart, between my ego that is afraid of being judged for being a bad daughter and my higher self who is expressing what feels right inside.
However, I am not too sure which voice is behind my feelings and decisions at this point…
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