Chapter 11 – Underlying rage

Dis-empowerment is the worst...

Here I am. This magnificent divine being who chose to incarnate once again on planet Earth. Now in human form, I am bogged down by the laws of this material world and the laws of the authorities that be. Here I am. A powerful creator, a mind that is bursting with ideas all the time. A body that is eager for action and adventures. Most of it I was able to manifest and experience. However I also get frustrated and angry because I don’t feel supported.

How many books, games, courses, paintings, poems have I created in my head or in reality that have not brought any fruits because I did not have the support of this world -either the human support or the financial support.

I see how the powers that be are keeping us small and dependent. I look at all the ideas I have had so far, if I had had all the support I needed, if I had had no restriction of time and money, I would be in a very different place and I would have been able to help even more people.

Instead, here I am feeling frustrated that I have so much to offer and yet I need the time to create and the money to bring those projects to fruition.

Why is this bothering me even more now? It is all coming back because of the situation of my mum.

First, I am back in my childhood home, which by itself is like a coming back to square one, the closing of a loop. It makes me look back at all I have done since I left at age 19. I was so desperate to leave to escape my father and to have finally a life with adventure and new horizons where I could express myself freely.

I spent many years abroad and learned a lot about myself. I also struggled in many areas of life, romantically, physically and financially. I was not the one to follow the societal or cultural script. I was not meant to fit in a mold. This prepared me for a very challenging path.

Now being back to where I started, where I was born and where I grew up, it feels as though I have done all this journey for nothing. I feel like I failed, that I was not able to make it by myself. I feel angry that I have not been able to realise half of my dreams.

Then, there is mum. She got to the point of collapse because she reached a point where she also had enough of not having had the life she dreamt about. She got to the point where she had enough of leading her life according to the way her husband wanted not the way she wanted.

She had also reached a point of having enough to be out of balance, always giving a lot to others but not feeling supported in her own desires and wishes. 

So now I am angry at my father too. His wishes have almost always come first and as long as things were going his way all was fine. When my sister and I lived under his roof, he made sure that his orders were followed and that things were going according to his plans. I remember at the weekend, we would be forced to go and sit in the woods with his brother for a family picnic. This was so boring for us. This lasted for years. This is just one of the many things that we had to do that he had decided for all of us without asking us – including my mum – for our opinion.

My mother comes from the Alps. In the summer, my parents travel to the old farm my mother inherited. It’s a beautiful and quiet place where we can all wind down and appreciate the peace and quiet. My mother is able to rekindle with friends and family and she loves being there. However after one month, my father gets bored without his TV and without going to the pub to see his colleagues. Even though he is now retired, which would allow my parents to spend at least two beautiful summer months in the Alps, my father decides it is time to go back to Provence, in the hot south of France. The temperatures there are not enjoyable at all and to top things up, you get eaten up by mosquitoes.

My mother never stood up to my father to stay behind for another month. This was inconceivable because my father cannot live by himself. He needs his wife to cook, clean and look after him.

And so it has been the story of my parents: my mother serving my father and my father earning a living. The old fashion way. Those were the traditions of my parents’ era. The issue with this is that – in this is not just the case of my mum – many women have felt trapped, used, and have also developed illnesses or accidents where their mind has found a way for them to stop and have a break from this kind of life.

My mother had been holding on to so much unexpressed emotions that when came that last drop, the pressure cooker exploded and she found herself temporarily bed-bound. She needed a rest…

Now my mother will not get the motivation to heal if it means coming back home to the status quo. This stroke was a cry for help. Now it is up to us, and especially my father to hear that call and to respond…

I am dreading when my sister and I will have to sit down and tell him that things have to change and that he needs to start taking care of his wife for a change…

So here we are, I am ruminating this anger, anger at my mother for not having stood up for herself for all those years, anger at my father for having being so self-centred, and anger at the authorities who have purposely created a system of dis-empowerment where people with talents like me, have not had the financial support to express their ideas and manifest their projects for society.

While we are all busy trying to make ends meet, we do not have the time or money to bring forth creations that we have inside that are inspired by the higher realms to help humanity evolve. All this is not right anymore and all this needs to change.