The test started with the dreaded phone call from my sister...
How can I get to a higher level of consciousness, one that is closer to love, oneness and peace?
I have to raise my vibrations. I have to leave the low vibration consciousness behind.
In the low vibration consciousness, there are all my limiting beliefs, my fears and worries.
In September I was confronted with lots of fears.
The first fear was the fear of death and separation.
When I listened to the voice mail left by my sister, I could not even understand her voice, muffled and jerked with hard breathing and tears. All I knew was the feeling in my bones, a definite feeling that something was very wrong.When I called her back, she was still crying and in distress. She told me the awful news that our mother had had a severe stroke and was in hospital. The diagnostic was dire. She was asking me to do whatever I could with my energetic healing work to try to save her.
It took me a minute of putting myself together, facing accelerated heartbeat , shortness of breath and shaky hands before I could do anything at all. My brain was suddenly all foggy and I knew I needed help. I straight away contacted two healer friends of mine to assist me.
The first thing I asked Spirit was: “Is my mother going to pass away”. I got a yes answer. I panicked and then realised that of course she was going to transition one day the same as everyone else who has a physical body. So I asked again: “Is my mother going pass away today?” and “Will she pass away from this accident?”. I got a negative answer to both.
The first thing I did was to text my sister to reassure her that there was hope. Then I got on doing some energetic healing work on her with the assistance of Spirit...
Three weeks later I have now moved back to my parents’ home with my father, to be closer to the hospital where my mother is still waiting to improve. She cannot eat by herself and is dependent on tubes for survival. The brain damage has left her speechless and without the use of the right side of her body. It took me a few days to get used to it and being able to visit her without crying.
I am now confronted with more demons…
The fear of death is still here. Each time the phone rings even though I imagine now it is unlikely that my mother will pass, I still get a pinch in the stomach wondering if it is the hospital calling to let us know awful news.
The other fear of death is that of suicide. My father is also affected by the absence of my mother at home and each time I do not see him, I have a little part in my head that fears he might have given up and call it a day.
Now I am being confronted with a fear even worse than death in my view and that is the fear of losing my freedom.
It was clear from the time I was a teenage girl that this world was not one where I could be totally free. Too many systems were in place to make sure I was guided through narrow lanes, whether at school, at work or in society as a whole. Despite this I managed to enjoy a certain percentage of freedom by traveling to various countries and experiencing many types of work and studies.
Now being back at home, I feel trapped. I do not see the end of the tunnel. My mother is still crippled for now and even though there are progress inside her head and body, it might take a long time for her to recover and we can’t say if she will recover partially or fully yet.
Meanwhile I am at home with a father with whom I have never had a great relationship. We are struggling to live together and it is stressing me out a lot. I realise that I might be stuck in that position for a while and this is making me depressed.
I also think of the possibility that my mother will be very weak when she comes back and I will also need to take care of her for a while.
All this feels very unfair. This year I had started working as self-employed for the first time with my online healing services and the launch of The School of Happiness. All this started to take off in the Summer. Now it’s all hanging in the air. First of all because I do not have as much time to work on these businesses since I am visiting my mother most afternoons which takes me 3 to 4 hours by bus every day. I have been sleeping badly and thus waking up late. All in all, about 4 days of the week, I cannot work on my businesses and thus everything is slowed down.
At the same time as this freedom limitation, I am also drowning in all kinds of negative thoughts.
We have a saying in French. The shoemaker has the worst shoes. This applies to me right now. I am a life coach, a laughter yoga leader, and a therapist and people have told me many times how much I have helped them to cheer up and feel better about themselves and their life. Now I wish I could be that same motivating force for myself.
The trouble is that being highly sensitive I am able to go to great heights of joy and happiness and then when the pendulum swings the other way I am also able to go down great depths of despair and reach suicidal thoughts very quickly.
I am also aware that we are living an unprecedented transitional time on the planet. I was preparing for it this Summer. My plan was to spend as many months as possible in my little wooden cabin in the French Alps. It was perfect. Isolated and quiet. Small indeed, but it was a great place for me to be in the mountains, in the middle of nature. I was relaxed and in that peaceful environment I was able to meditate and do some inner work and healing sessions.
Now I am back in the city and living with my father and having to hear television in the background most of the time. This is not the ideal surrounding I was hoping for, to do my inner work and to focus on my future in the New Earth.
I am starting to get paranoid and wonder if all this is a test and if I am going to make it. I have always had a tendency to think of the worst scenario first. I fear that by dwelling into all my fears and worries about my mother, my father, the future of my parents and my own future, I am not raising my vibration enough. I am not putting enough energy into what I would like to manifest in my life in the New Earth.
At this point in time thus I am wondering how I will ascend with my brothers and sisters. All I can do is HOPE. Hope that this shall soon pass. Hope that my own healing and that of my healer friends as well as the prayers and good thoughts of my family and friends will do the miracle we are all wishing for my mum. Hope that my father will start getting used to a new way of living, letting go of the old ways of being served for everything in the house by my mother. Hope that I will be able to get it together and still believe in a brighter future for myself. I have always had a powerful imagination and yet it eludes me at this moment in time and I simply cannot see how my dreams will come true now.
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